To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? '
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher. '
---
A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"
"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."
---
Ever got fed up when people tell you this "You Don't know Jack Shitt [Shit]!"
Now here's a good response, cos we're gonna introduce you to his whole family!
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schittt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children : Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins,, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brother in a double wedding ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.
Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family too!
---
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York,went into a worldwide
message center wanting to send an urgent,important message to her mother
in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around
US$100/=. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind of money,but I will do
anything to get a message to my mother in China !"
The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, "Anything?" "Yes, I
promise...anythin
He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close the door."
"Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did. "Unzip me!" he said.
She did.
Then he said, "Go on...take it out." She did and grabbed it with both
hands excitedly.
The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered, "Go ahead girl, what
are you waiting for?
"Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said
loudly, " "Hello....hello Ah Mah!!!..can you hear me??"
---
A little post of the happenings in my life for the past few days .. lols.
Met up with the gang of FREE a few days ago at Sakae Sushi, Bugis. Actually, it was more like the half of us - Thomas, Phil, leon, adrian, Hua liang and me - the rest were conspicuously absent. -.- Oh well. I do have a lot to bitch about - noisy atmosphere [ it seems like everyone around us were kind of like shouting away to get themselves heard ], the food took such a long time to arrive [ no thanks to the large crowd of people present in the restaurant ] But, looking on the bright side, I got a complimentary $10 voucher for use at it's Atrium branch. ^^" lols. Anyway, I was rather surprised. A simple tok - cock session passes time like no tomorrow - in a flash, the clock strucked 11 and back home we all went, lols.
In other news, my unit held it's cohesion day [ which basically means a very bo liao until cannot bo liao event ] at sembawang camp. Nothing special there - just a few lame games like tug - of - war with a 5 tonner, changing of tires in the shortest time possible blah blah blah. In fact, I think I'm wasting my energy to even blog about this, LOL! Swept away most of the honours as well - I guess this is what happens when you're the "model of excellence" in the SAF, yeah?
Other then that, She also organized an early Christmas party at St James Powerhouse! Okay la, being a bit frank here, the dancers weren't really that nice to look at but hey, looking at the brighter side of life, it beats looking at the 200++ guys there, right? =P Anyway, Pictures sometime soon. It's not everyday when you get to see 40 year olds doing the Hawaiian dance, lols.
And speaking of Christmas, I realised something.
I don't have anything to do on that day. O.o"