Oh ya. Read at your own risk [ and don't accuse me of being a pervert! =P ]
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Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, “Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetie, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!
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Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
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Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
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The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around
her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower.
As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor,
Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out 2 one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are
hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them
if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.
She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
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