I shall be a copycat and quote a "phrase of the day" !
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
It never rains .. it pours.
My cute and lovable Encik of Platoon 3, Mandai Hill [ though zoo seems to be a better word for it. ] node has REALLY deemed fit to call me and my fellow friend Huizaifah [ who is bitching about it up, down, left, right, center. ] back to camp for a detail neither of us has any intention of doing but will still end up doing so because:
1) We're just lance corporals and don't stand a chance with disagreeing with our immediate superiors.
2) My camp is always suffering from a lack of drivers. -.-
3) We are the best drivers in this entire crap of a shit camp? LOLS.
Zzz .. Actually, I don't really mind. It's just that the SAF has of late been .. "disrupting" [ to put it nicely. ] my weekends and I really need to let off some steam.
Oh well. Since things have been crapped to such an extent .. I should just apply the one basic principle of the SAF.
SUCK THUMB.
My cute and lovable Encik of Platoon 3, Mandai Hill [ though zoo seems to be a better word for it. ] node has REALLY deemed fit to call me and my fellow friend Huizaifah [ who is bitching about it up, down, left, right, center. ] back to camp for a detail neither of us has any intention of doing but will still end up doing so because:
1) We're just lance corporals and don't stand a chance with disagreeing with our immediate superiors.
2) My camp is always suffering from a lack of drivers. -.-
3) We are the best drivers in this entire crap of a shit camp? LOLS.
Zzz .. Actually, I don't really mind. It's just that the SAF has of late been .. "disrupting" [ to put it nicely. ] my weekends and I really need to let off some steam.
Oh well. Since things have been crapped to such an extent .. I should just apply the one basic principle of the SAF.
SUCK THUMB.
My friend just got called back to camp and .. I think I might be going as well.
There goes my weekends .. ~
---
There goes my weekends .. ~
---
On a joint naval exercise, US President Bush, UK PM Gordon Brown, PM Lee of Singapore met on board the RSS Courageous.
They were commenting on how their soldiers were the best. So they agreed to put the statement to a test by asking each country’s soldier to dive into shark infested waters and bring one shark back on board.
Bush ordered the Marine down. After evaluating the situation, the marine took the needed equipment to protect himself and minimize his risk and dive in and successfully came back with a few bruises and a SHARK. Bush happily exclaimed, “Look what we have here! A Smart Soldier!”
Not to be outdone, PM Brown commanded his royal marine down. The soldier, even without accessing the situation, jumped into the sea with only a knife and came up bruised and battered, but still alive with the shark. PM Brown was estatic and said, “This is what soldiers are made of! Guts!”
Feeling a little bit worried, PM Lee asked his general for any soldier and the general selected Pte Beng. On hearing the order to jump, Pte Beng looked into the ocean and on seeing so many sharks, was flabberghasted!
Pte Beng turned to PM Lee and said, “You Siao Ah! So many sharks and you asked me to jump in. You Jump then i jump lah!”…
Oh hearing that, all 3 PMs looked at each other and an awkard silence falls onto the ship… Finally PM Lee broke the silence and beaming proudly said… “Now, this is our soldier! SMART Thinking and Got GUTS !”
---
Just got back from my so called "driver duties" [ can't really say what/where/when/why I'm doing, can I? ] .. and wow. Mandai Hill camp really loves me a lot. Just barely got out of said duties and they called to tell me that I AM NEEDED BACK AT CAMP TOMORROW, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
And if anyone is wondering where this instrumental of a song came from .. here's the answer.
Really suits me eh?
Enjoy the jokes, my friends.
---
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
---
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
---
This joke is a bit .. dirty.
A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh!
The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out!
Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"
---
Brought to you by the person who's name is ..
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
And if anyone is wondering where this instrumental of a song came from .. here's the answer.
Really suits me eh?
Enjoy the jokes, my friends.
---
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
---
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
---
This joke is a bit .. dirty.
A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh!
The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out!
Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"
---
Brought to you by the person who's name is ..
It's quite a nice song, this one. On the top 20 charts, in fact. And yeah .. it's quite fitting for some particular persons [ not going to say who but I guess they should know who they are .. ] .. LOL!
---
We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!
You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time
You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....
You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
Always be my baby
---
---
We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!
You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time
You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....
You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
Always be my baby
---
This joke sounds very wrong [ as per so many of my other jokes ] but WTH.
---
An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.
So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?”
---
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.
Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
---
You just gotta appreciate this guy's sense of humor eh?
---
Anyway, I noticed this as well. My blog song .. hmm .. the name of the band .. well .. it sounds like something you can order from a kopitiam [ LOL! ]
Other then that, I really love the rousing electric guitar solo at the start. WOW.
And so! To end this very senseless of a blog post, here's the lyrics [ for those who can't understand what he's singing about :) ]
深夜里, 无法习惯没有你
不愿意再走下去
这距离, 痛得我不能呼吸
难忘记你的失去
多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰
这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔
牵领我进入睡梦追随
重温过去，我们俩梦中相依偎
虽是梦幻， 愿沉醉
---
An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.
So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?”
---
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.
Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
---
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
--- DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
And lastly !
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
---
Anyway, while on duty this two days, I spotted something rather .. interesting. :) [ Taken at a public toilet at where I'm currently at but I can't really say where because I have no intention whatsoever of inviting Military Security Department to my house for a cup of tea/kopi/whatever. ]
You just gotta appreciate this guy's sense of humor eh?
---
Anyway, I noticed this as well. My blog song .. hmm .. the name of the band .. well .. it sounds like something you can order from a kopitiam [ LOL! ]
Other then that, I really love the rousing electric guitar solo at the start. WOW.
And so! To end this very senseless of a blog post, here's the lyrics [ for those who can't understand what he's singing about :) ]
深夜里, 无法习惯没有你
不愿意再走下去
这距离, 痛得我不能呼吸
难忘记你的失去
多少眼泪都无所谓
我闭上眼睛不能入睡
只希望你给我一些安慰
这些眼泪我无所谓
真心的对待最珍贵
我回头想起爱情的甜美
永远不后悔
牵领我进入睡梦追随
重温过去，我们俩梦中相依偎
虽是梦幻， 愿沉醉
Actually, I have nothing much to blog about. Or rather, maybe I should just put it this way - I DO have something to type about. BUT .. the matter is quite sensitive and so .. maybe not. LOL!
Okay lah. Typing in circles aside .. yesterday was a small little outing with my parents [ and to celebrate papa day. :) ] to Chinatown to eat. And I came upon this cute little .. "warning". [ Seriously, I really don't know if it's for the comic relief or a reminder or even both lah. ] You might have to strain a little to read though - This was from a 1.3MP camera phone.
---
In other news, One of my many aunts in this ever crazy family of mine just came back from a little trip to Genting Highlands. As per our great understanding between each other, She gave me [ or rather, my mother ] this:
At the risk of sounding like a pevert, one can like misinterpret a certain part of the abovementioned picture to look like a .. part of the male reproductive anatomy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
--
And well. Randomization of the day - This is what I'm having for breakfast now.
A cup of tea, Udon noodles with an egg and plenty of sliced hot dogs. Not exactly the prettiest of foods available [ I'm no gourmet chef. ] but I guess it fulfills one of the most important aspect of eating - that is, the ability to make one full. :)
--
Okay. Ciao~ I sense an impending storm in my stomach .. -.-" LOL!
Okay lah. Typing in circles aside .. yesterday was a small little outing with my parents [ and to celebrate papa day. :) ] to Chinatown to eat. And I came upon this cute little .. "warning". [ Seriously, I really don't know if it's for the comic relief or a reminder or even both lah. ] You might have to strain a little to read though - This was from a 1.3MP camera phone.
---
In other news, One of my many aunts in this ever crazy family of mine just came back from a little trip to Genting Highlands. As per our great understanding between each other, She gave me [ or rather, my mother ] this:
At the risk of sounding like a pevert, one can like misinterpret a certain part of the abovementioned picture to look like a .. part of the male reproductive anatomy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
--
And well. Randomization of the day - This is what I'm having for breakfast now.
A cup of tea, Udon noodles with an egg and plenty of sliced hot dogs. Not exactly the prettiest of foods available [ I'm no gourmet chef. ] but I guess it fulfills one of the most important aspect of eating - that is, the ability to make one full. :)
--
Okay. Ciao~ I sense an impending storm in my stomach .. -.-" LOL!
This jokes all sound VERY WRONG but what the heck anyway.
Oh ya. Read at your own risk [ and don't accuse me of being a pervert! =P ]
---
---
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
================================
Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
---
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
---
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around
her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower.
As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor,
Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out 2 one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are
hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them
if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.
She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
---
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
---
Oh ya. Read at your own risk [ and don't accuse me of being a pervert! =P ]
---
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, “Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetie, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!
---
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
================================
Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
---
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
---
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around
her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower.
As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor,
Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out 2 one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are
hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them
if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.
She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
---
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
---
I'm starting to love this song.
---
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
---
I feel just so .. hopeless.
---
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
---
I feel just so .. hopeless.
Random thought of the day [ and I really mean random .. ]:
I'm trying to dissect the many possibilities as to why I [ of so many people in my platoon ] got selected to be an ambulance driver.
And I think I got it.
Seriously .. when you take out the "ambu" from the word "ambulance", it's not that hard to see why, eh?
XDDDDD
---
Okay lah. Birthday is over and I'm officially .. 21. [ Uncle Lance! -.- ] So here's some oh so random pictures to do the blogging .. haha!
I was trying to go for a cool pose but it came out very very very very wrong .. LOL!
As shown in this picture, kids will always be kids, no? Before I had a chance to blow the candles, they decided to lend me a oh - so - kind - helping hand [ and mouth, LOL! ]. Damned. Does this mean my dreams are dashed? O.o
I still have some other pictures but it's all too blurry [ shaky hands to blame :) ]. And the fact that I'm meeting Andy soon is not helping much either. -.-"
Anyway .. While on the way to meet those bunch of girls at East Coast Park .. Well, let's just say we guys stumbled onto some signs that described our "西遊記" rather fittingly .. LOLS!
And no joke, I took this picture when we were getting a bit too thirsty for our comfort .. lols.
Actually, If memory serves me right, I took this at about the halfway - 3/4 mark of our little walk to find them .. lols.
I give you guys 500 if you can guess who's head is that .. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
---
Well .. this song is like a reflection of sorts of my thoughts bah .. hmm ..
白月光 心裡某個地方 那麼亮 卻那麼冰涼
每個人 都有一段悲傷 想隱藏 卻欲蓋彌彰
白月光 照天涯的兩端 在心上 卻不在身旁
擦不干 你當時的淚光 路太長 追不回原諒
你是我 不能言說的傷 想遺忘 又忍不住回想
想流亡 一路跌跌撞撞 你的捆綁 無法釋放
白月光 照天涯的兩端 越隱瞞 越覺得孤單
擦不干 回憶理的淚光 路太長 怎麼補償
你是我 不能言說的傷 想遺忘 又忍不住回想
想流亡 一路跌跌撞撞 你的捆綁 無法釋放
白月光 心裡某個地方 那麼亮 卻那麼冰涼
每個人 都有一段悲傷 想隱藏 卻在生長
---
Okay. :)
I'm trying to dissect the many possibilities as to why I [ of so many people in my platoon ] got selected to be an ambulance driver.
And I think I got it.
Seriously .. when you take out the "ambu" from the word "ambulance", it's not that hard to see why, eh?
XDDDDD
---
Okay lah. Birthday is over and I'm officially .. 21. [ Uncle Lance! -.- ] So here's some oh so random pictures to do the blogging .. haha!
I was trying to go for a cool pose but it came out very very very very wrong .. LOL!
As shown in this picture, kids will always be kids, no? Before I had a chance to blow the candles, they decided to lend me a oh - so - kind - helping hand [ and mouth, LOL! ]. Damned. Does this mean my dreams are dashed? O.o
I still have some other pictures but it's all too blurry [ shaky hands to blame :) ]. And the fact that I'm meeting Andy soon is not helping much either. -.-"
Anyway .. While on the way to meet those bunch of girls at East Coast Park .. Well, let's just say we guys stumbled onto some signs that described our "西遊記" rather fittingly .. LOLS!
And no joke, I took this picture when we were getting a bit too thirsty for our comfort .. lols.
Actually, If memory serves me right, I took this at about the halfway - 3/4 mark of our little walk to find them .. lols.
I give you guys 500 if you can guess who's head is that .. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
---
Well .. this song is like a reflection of sorts of my thoughts bah .. hmm ..
白月光 心裡某個地方 那麼亮 卻那麼冰涼
每個人 都有一段悲傷 想隱藏 卻欲蓋彌彰
白月光 照天涯的兩端 在心上 卻不在身旁
擦不干 你當時的淚光 路太長 追不回原諒
你是我 不能言說的傷 想遺忘 又忍不住回想
想流亡 一路跌跌撞撞 你的捆綁 無法釋放
白月光 照天涯的兩端 越隱瞞 越覺得孤單
擦不干 回憶理的淚光 路太長 怎麼補償
你是我 不能言說的傷 想遺忘 又忍不住回想
想流亡 一路跌跌撞撞 你的捆綁 無法釋放
白月光 心裡某個地方 那麼亮 卻那麼冰涼
每個人 都有一段悲傷 想隱藏 卻在生長
---
Okay. :)
If there's anything to do in such a "terrible time", I guess it must be what the SAF taught us when we were faced with tasks that would merit the usage of words such as "sai kang", "arrow" and the like.
And it is ..
SUCK THUMB.
Anyway .. Heh. Happy 21th birthday, lance.
I shall try to be happy tomorrow, eh? No use spoiling my 21th birthday also .. :)
---
My friend has this quote on MSN that is worthy of some mention.
- True love is neither physical or romantic. It's an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
And I agree.
---
Jokes! [ www.sgforums.com - Jokes and humor forum :) ]
---
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
---
---
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.
After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."
As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
---
Top 10 Caddy Comments. [ You need to know a bit of golf to understand this one .. ]
Die die must watch :)
And it is ..
SUCK THUMB.
Anyway .. Heh. Happy 21th birthday, lance.
I shall try to be happy tomorrow, eh? No use spoiling my 21th birthday also .. :)
---
My friend has this quote on MSN that is worthy of some mention.
- True love is neither physical or romantic. It's an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
And I agree.
---
Jokes! [ www.sgforums.com - Jokes and humor forum :) ]
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
---
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.
After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."
As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
---
Top 10 Caddy Comments. [ You need to know a bit of golf to understand this one .. ]
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Die die must watch :)
And to think that yesterday, I confidently proclaimed that I would just head back to my second home, take my leave and enjoy the chance of yet another long weekend away from Mandai Hill camp. The truth was that 12309129017293861237619236 miles away - I ended up with 2 details that kept me occupied till 8 p.m. So no choice, had to take bus 280 [ or in this case, 300 ] since it was a bigger taxi [ a Toyota wish, I think. ] which seemingly in the eyes of the taxi company justified such a price increase .. lols.
Okay. Enough crap aside .. hopefully, this Saturday stays clear of any last minute work. [ I don't think anyone is that crazy enough to work on his birthday, yeah? =D ]
And speaking of which .. I don't know why. But really .. I keep looking at this nowadays.
And whenever I look at this .. drawing? [ or should I call it a sketch? LOL. ] I just smile. Thank you, Z. [ since you keep calling me L anyway .. hahahahahahaha! ]
Which bring me to another point.
What do I really want to do?
Okay. Enough crap aside .. hopefully, this Saturday stays clear of any last minute work. [ I don't think anyone is that crazy enough to work on his birthday, yeah? =D ]
And speaking of which .. I don't know why. But really .. I keep looking at this nowadays.
And whenever I look at this .. drawing? [ or should I call it a sketch? LOL. ] I just smile. Thank you, Z. [ since you keep calling me L anyway .. hahahahahahaha! ]
Which bring me to another point.
What do I really want to do?
I'm simply bored .. so I decided to blog again.
At first thought - This is really very kelong [ malay word for cheat, I think ]
Or maybe the IQ test is really very easy lah. :)
Hmm .. I don't know. Am I one?
---
Okay okay. no more "perverted" jokes yeah ..
Hmm .. tomorrow will perhaps be like, the most stupidest day of my life.
Report to camp at 0745, take my leave [ If applicable .. but since like the whole platoon is on leave then why not? lols. ] and go back home.
DOTS.
Oh well .. I need to train up. I want that IPPT gold.
Anyone interested in gym - ing with me?
At first thought - This is really very kelong [ malay word for cheat, I think ]
Or maybe the IQ test is really very easy lah. :)
Hmm .. I don't know. Am I one?
---
Okay okay. no more "perverted" jokes yeah ..
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says "How about a dog?"
The man replies "Come on, a dog!
The owner says "How about a cat?"
The man replies: "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!
The owner thinks for a minute. Then says: "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says: "Centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything... but okay, I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried,and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that can really do everything."
He says to the centipede: "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is the centipede? He goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says "Hey!!! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and just get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"
The centipede says "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"
Hmm .. tomorrow will perhaps be like, the most stupidest day of my life.
Report to camp at 0745, take my leave [ If applicable .. but since like the whole platoon is on leave then why not? lols. ] and go back home.
DOTS.
Oh well .. I need to train up. I want that IPPT gold.
Anyone interested in gym - ing with me?
---
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
---
It must really be a jinx.
Ever since after my 16th birthday, ALWAYS something bad happens before, during or after my birthday.
This year isn't any much of an exception.
I just want to scream my heart out ..
---
Guess this song fits me really well huh?
---
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
---
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
---Ever since after my 16th birthday, ALWAYS something bad happens before, during or after my birthday.
This year isn't any much of an exception.
I just want to scream my heart out ..
---
Guess this song fits me really well huh?
---
I need humor, really. I really don't know .. Is it a case of too little, too late?
---
*Warning - Not your run in the mill joke.
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients but felt really guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice inside him say
"Dave, you wouldn't be the first doctor to sleep with one of the patients and you won't be the last plus you're single so just let it go.
But invariably there would be the other voice that would bring him back to reality whispering...
"But Dave you're a Vet..."
---
* This one is a bit chim .. you might take a while to understand. :)
Johnny sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands.
When the bartender comes back, Johnny is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Johnny, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," Johnny replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife or her husband?"
"No," said Johnny, "HIS wife!"
---
* This one is quite common but nonetheless, enjoy the laughs :)
One day, there was 3 people about to be executed by electric chair. They were a Lawyer, an Accountant, and a Electrician.
The Lawyer was up first. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"From now on i will be honest if you save me God." they threw the switch and magically he was not electrocuted. The warden said, "God has forgiven you so you will be let go"
The Accountant was up next. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"From now on i will not steal if you let me go god"they threw the switch and magically he was not electrocuted. The warden said, "God has forgiven you so you will be let go"
The Electrician was up next. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"You wont be electrocuting anybody if you dont plug in the chair."
---
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's 'little soldier' can't salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."
---
---
*Warning - Not your run in the mill joke.
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients but felt really guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice inside him say
"Dave, you wouldn't be the first doctor to sleep with one of the patients and you won't be the last plus you're single so just let it go.
But invariably there would be the other voice that would bring him back to reality whispering...
"But Dave you're a Vet..."
---
* This one is a bit chim .. you might take a while to understand. :)
Johnny sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands.
When the bartender comes back, Johnny is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Johnny, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," Johnny replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife or her husband?"
"No," said Johnny, "HIS wife!"
---
* This one is quite common but nonetheless, enjoy the laughs :)
One day, there was 3 people about to be executed by electric chair. They were a Lawyer, an Accountant, and a Electrician.
The Lawyer was up first. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"From now on i will be honest if you save me God." they threw the switch and magically he was not electrocuted. The warden said, "God has forgiven you so you will be let go"
The Accountant was up next. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"From now on i will not steal if you let me go god"they threw the switch and magically he was not electrocuted. The warden said, "God has forgiven you so you will be let go"
The Electrician was up next. He was asked if he had any last words. He said,"You wont be electrocuting anybody if you dont plug in the chair."
---
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's 'little soldier' can't salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."
---
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