Suddenly, I feel that taking a 5 - tonner out of Mandai Hill camp and driving it to orchard road seems so much of an idea to me. No no, it's not that I'm stressed about the workload or whatever. In fact, It's like a bed of roses - there are nice [ and also shitty times ] but still .. it's nothing compared to those in the combat side of the army - infantry, armour, guards etc.

The "matter" that is making my blood boil is that there's somebody that is getting on my nerves and yeah, it has come to the point that at times, I really wished I could like, rearrange his facial features or something.

And the best part? 1 1/2 years more to ORD. I really cannot fathom about how to hang on to my sanity [ which, at the moment, is slowly crumbling away .. ]

Wonderful. Whatever optimism I had has already faded away. I guess rough times lie ahead, yeah?

Okay, my rant is done. Time to be a good little dog for the government again .. :)
Laughs galore.



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---



---

This one is for those who need a few laughs ..



---

The following requires a little bit of general knowledge ..

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

---

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

---

Ah Lian was selling coconut by the coconut tree when Ah Beng come and want to buy.

Ah Beng said, " Hello, I want fresh coconut. You can climb the tree and give me? I will pay you double."

Ah Lian was so happy so she climb up and give him. She then went home and tell her mother but to her suprise, her mother was angry.

" WAH LAO!!! Why you climb?!! He want to see your underwear only lah!!!"

Ah Lian was so embarrassed of her ignorant but still went back to work the next day. Ah Beng came to buy the coconut again and asked for a fresh one. Ah Lian climbed the tree and sell to him for double the price.

Ah Lian went home, tell her mom the same thing.

" WAH LAO!!! Why you climb?!! I already tell you he want to see your underwear only right??!!!"

Ah Lian then quickly replied, " No no mother, you got it wrong lah!! Relax!! I TODAY NEVER WEAR!!!! "

---

If there's any reason as to why I'm not going to get any date come this valentine's day, this joke must be it ..

The Top 10 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

---

Just engaged my thinking cap and this came across my mind. The more I think about it, the more I want to laugh, Really.

My orientation driving was done on a 5 - tonner.

My road assessment was also done on a 5 - tonner.

So why is it like 99.9999999% of the time, I'm driving a silly land rover everywhere?
The philosophizer in me cried out for a channel of expression today.

"we waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love." (moncheri,2007)


[ credits to joei :) ]

Isn't it just so true?
Is it just me or really, why is it like when I see the average couple walking down the street, It will be like, the guy is the tall/skinny kind and the girl more towards the short/fat type?

Yeah, I know. This statement is SO going to make me the most wanted man alive [ for all the wrong reasons, I would add ] or maybe, this is one of the ten commandments that God is giving to me? O.o

Oh well. Meaningless Blog post over, I need to get my ass back to camp, ASAP. This is one of the times when the service we all recognize as 280 helps BUT .. the expense of burning a big hole in your wallet [ especially when you are given a miserable allowance of $400 a month ] leaves much to be desired ...


Okay, OUT. =D
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,


"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:


"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp
7th point and 10'th point):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.


5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five
percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
l ifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. "

---

This one is a bit more dirty .. hehehehe =P

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real......always.

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal!
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay!
* Wrinkles and gray hair add character.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* Comfortable shoes!
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.
This blog post was created for the sake of so much - needed humor and satire so really, I hope the fine ladies and gentlemen in the SAF and PAP not take too much offense :)

So .. As one would know by now, I'm one of the many Transport Operators [ Read: a wayang SAF term for the word, "Driver" ] in Mandai Hill Camp's 6th Division CMTL [ Long form: Centralised Mechanised Transport Line ]. One of the many objectives of having this "CMTL" is that the limited transport resources in the SAF are concentrated to help increase efficiency and all. Okay, that aside. There is an irony to the abovementioned that I would like to bring out - What point is there in doing all of that when I need to like, go through a ton of paperwork to book out 3 tonners [ of which, 2 are defective and needed to be booked - in back to camp -.- ] to help a bunch of guys and girls to send some defective clothing to donno what ulu ulu place in singapore?

---

Okay, satire over. As usual, life is still as shit as ever. Someone please tell me this is just a nightmare and slap me awake. I would really appreciate it. :)
The more I drive, the more of a complex I develop about it. I thought it was easy.

BUT ..

In the words of my platoon warrant officer:"You think, I thought, who confirm?"


Heh .. Still so many things to learn ... and just so little time left for me ..


Care all.
This one is really insane.



---

Spongebob Squarepants [ China Edition ]



---

O.o here's a guide to help one get laid



---

This short film of about 8 Minutes won 35 AWARDS. [ Which gives you about 4.8 something awards for every minute O.o ]



---

O.o

I noticed something.

Those who are into gaming can be categorized [ this is a generalization though ] into two groups: those who doesn't really have the skill to match the best but yet have a girlfriend and vice versa. Of course, there are those who have traits of the two categories mixed together but those are rare and few in between.

And hence, I think I should be start being more n00b in gaming so as to get an other half [ hahahahahahahahahaha ]

---

Random blog posts aside, The following video is like something of a keepsake. It's not actually HDTV [ and for some funny reason, there's no sound either ] but hey, it's at least something to help commemorate the start of the new year and all, lols.

If you don't have a girlfriend you're missing something. If you have a girlfriend you're missing everything.

- Elmo

Just so true.
Nobody knows
Just why we're here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall i be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
'coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here

When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe,
You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

...
..



--

Doesn't really apply in the Singapore context but wth.



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MUST WATCH!



--

OMGWTFBBQ.



--

This one's really old but good stuff it is.



--

This one's even more old but good shit.



--

Astounding.


Magic - The most amazing bloopers are here

--

O.o

I really feel like crying ..
Today, I finally understood the meaning of "Du Lan" and "stupid".

Du Lan is when you walk through a barrage of rain that seems to like, want to sink Singapore 192491751732873 feet under one second and turn soft and gentle the next.

Stupid is when you walk through said rain for no apparent reason whatsoever.
I must wonder, why am I EVEN thinking about obliging Andy and playing back arcade stage 4!?

Seriously, somebody, please deliver me a little kick to my nuts. I think I'm still in dreamland.



---

This one is out of topic but hey, it's not everyday you get to see citizens from one the greatest countries in this world sink to such stupidity ..



And on the topic of stupidity as well .. ever wonder how fart looks like?

Andy [ affectionately known as my ah gong ] wants to revive the idea of forming a team and getting into the world of Initial D arcade stage 4. And he wants me to teach him how. At the moment when I want to quit playing.

Wonderful lah. How to say no? Or to be more precise, how to stop playing?



Please ... somebody, please .. give me an answer to all the questions burning away in the back of my brains .. before really I go insane ..
Maybe, I'm just suited to be a lonely driver - and a lonely driver only. Why do I keep trying, knowing fully that I will fail in the end, just as always?

Is it really that I set myself too high a bar to jump over? Or have I really failed in clearing what seems to be a simple hurdle of life? Really, I'll love to have an answer [ as always ] but nothing comes to my head at the moment. [lame] My mind is just so blank that blank paper could be considered something, lols. [/lame] I wish I could be like Ryousuke in the anime - he always seem to have an answer to everything and anything. But, dreams aside, nope, nope and nope. Doesn't work that way.


Hmm .. perhaps I will look in back in 10 years time and laugh at myself for being such a fool but well, I shall gladly remain the fool in love, as always.
What's the world record for the no of times any given blogger blogs in a day? I want to try breaking that record .. lols.



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The following videos are .. :)









---

okay, last one. Off to camp soon, so all of you, take care yeah?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFC8HyAlojs
Third post of the day - I'm like flooding my blog with jokes and videos, lol.

Anyway, the following videos are a parody [ or rather, very screwed up version ] on the original Super Mario. And for those who don't know who's Mario, feel free to go up the to the tallest building in your vicinity and execute a free fall maneuver - without a parachute.





Be warned - this video has a very suggestive theme =P



---

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

---

Always give 100% in your work, eh?



---



After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Malaysian newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.
www.sgforums.com ..

---

Female Hormones in Beer

Beer Study:

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

---

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss
fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise
shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me
for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's
house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to
a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first
and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and
I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in
Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just
go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears
into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But
by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

---

This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!"

The duck looked startled and leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?

---

Pick-up lines heard round the world and what you could say back to them

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter.
or
Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

---

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.

St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228", to which St. Peter says "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

---

A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"

---

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable.&quo
t;

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

---

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it came to doing the deed. The idea of openly confessing their sexual desires was too difficult for them. Finally, they both sat down to resolve their problem. They agreed that anytime either partner wanted to have sex, all they had to do was ask the other partner, ''Do you want to do the washing?'' So the weeks went on and things started to get better. The husband would nudge his wife in bed and say, ''Love, do you want to do the washing?'' Then they would have sex. The wife did the same when she felt frisky. One night, the husband went to bed early because he was tired. A few hours later the wife followed. After getting in bed she felt the urge to get it on. So she nudged her husband and whispered, ''Honey, do you want to do the washing?'' ''No thanks, love,'' he said. ''It was only a small load tonight, so I did it by hand.''

---

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true story...

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked....

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard

---

This one is powderful.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

---

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of topics under the sky; stock market, finances and anything that has to do with everyday life. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible." he replies, " She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

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